Problem: This shocking animated graphic from the CDC illustrates the imminent danger to the continental shelf of the United States, as it threaten to sink under the nearly unbelievable growth of Obese-ness over a decade. While handmade soap production increases ten-fold as liposuctioned human fat is in limitless supply, weight loss specialists everywhere are reportedly in awe of the possibilities within this gigantic and growing market!

Solution: Breakin'! Break-dancing (as seen below demonstrated by Belgian superstar Jean Claude Van Damme) is a fantastic aerobic exercise that not only gets the heart pumping, but also increases self-esteem thru the public utilization of the latest form-fitting Lycra and day-glo Leotard technology.

Seriously though, I had no idea things were this bad (I mean the amazing increase in obesity, not the breakin'). Are people really "letting themselves go" all over the country at this pace? Did someone secretly start adding corn syrup to the public water supply?  Egads...